Unbelievably the state of the World and particularly my piece of it has slid even further down the cliff since the ebb of bat-flu and its aftermath 2 years ago.
There has been a long hiatus since my last note from the Bourgeois trenches mainly due to a misunderstanding concerning a mountain of unpaid tax on a truck-load of quietly imported French wine. The misunderstanding being that I thought I wasn’t going to get caught and then when I was that the Tax Nazis wouldn’t send me to jail for lack of wherewithal to see them alright. 18 months at HMP ‘Colditz’ disabused me of both notions and here I am in a dingy upstairs garrett at the mercy of Mitzi my ‘we’re just good friends – no touching’ room mate, an ex-convict, wondering how an expensive education and a cushy job in the City could possibly lead to this ignominious fate.
I blame the Tories and particularly Bojo’s 4th Formers for my fall. They made Government look so incompetent after they took charge that no right thinking person could have guessed anyone in Public Service was awake enough to catch an enterprising would-be wine importer with no papers and a flat-tyre on his van!
It was a rare moment of competence in an Ocean of terminal political and professional decline that landed me in the dock! What are the chances?
I sit here now in the Suburban wilderness, staring out of the window at the tramps drifting out of the local Spar opposite, nursing their bottles of White Lightening, contemplating the meaning of it all and kicking myself for not perpetrating a Government PPE fraud instead like everyone else.
If I had, I’d be holed up in some Caribbean Lodge, watching the Tramps nursing Pina Colada’s, sleeping on a pile of unrecoverable public cash while the Tax Nazi’s spent all their time in fruitless efforts to prove the face masks I’d supplied had holes in them before the expiry date!
Bourjemoi! As that oaf Putin would say when he sees the latest tactical battlefield reports. I’m fairing just as badly!
And so I did my time in prison. 7 years in a minor public school had been some preparation for the ordeal and It wasn’t too bad apart from the lack of decent booze and the occasional homicidal knifing. Bizarrely in a Society turning its back on the Class System, an old fashioned, obsolete, Middle Class bloke still gets some deference from the lower orders in the Pen-house hierarchy. God knows why, but I think it’s because I was obviously no threat to anyone and having someone around who can quote Oscar Wilde verbatim is like having a trained Monkey that amuses and distracts from the grim reality.
Anyway, I walked ‘with other souls in pain’ quite comfortably through my stretch and have come through the shades of the Prison Yard a poorer and wiser man.
I can only hope the whole of the prison experience is as transformative for Boris Johnson when he gets banged up for wrecking the Country or stealing public wall-paper or whatever it is he eventually goes down for! Although somehow I doubt it! If Bojo does go to jail the prisoners will be having a whip ‘round for him and organising his escape within a week and cheering him over the wall as they all got an extra 2 years hard Labour for helping him. ‘Good old Boris’ they’d say as they served their extra time.
And for some, staring at the walls for all that extended porridge while Bunter goes Scot-free, the penny would never drop!
Bulk and The Devil 